15: Sensory Deprivation Tank

You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember, they can't physically hurt you, although they may destroy you mentally...

I was keen to try floatation relaxation ever since I first watched the Simpsons episode “Make Room for Lisa” back in high school. In that episode Homer and Lisa go to a New Age store to try a sensory deprivation tank. While Lisa goes on a spiritual journey on self discovery Home goes on a literal journey of high-jinx and mayhem. Homer’s flotation tank is repossessed with him inside because the New Age store can’t pay back the bank loan. As the repo-van drives up the highway it falls off the back and is buried by Ned Flanders who mistake it as a coffin. Eventually, Chief Wiggam finds it at the beach and returns it to the store like nothing happened. Now, I am not saying that my expectations of this experience was warped by this story, but I was looking forward to something exciting.

The Simpsons. Season 10 Episode 16 “Make Room for Lisa”.

Late last year my boss told me that these flotation pods existed in Melbourne and they have the potential to unlock deep parts of the mind. Between the Simpsons episode and a strong recommendation from my old boss, I was very keen to give it a try. So, for my girlfriend’s birthday I bought her two 1-hour floats at a spa in Hampton (because what is the point of spending on your girlfriend’s birthday if you can’t enjoy it too). Three months after her birthday we decided to cash in the voucher and so the adventure began.

We arrived a few minutes late to the session, which annoyed me because I wanted to extract every last minute of value out of this experience. This place went all out, we each had our own room equipped with shower, pod and amenities. The lady gave us the safety briefing and left, I stripped down and hopped into the pod. It was weird. The salt water suspended you on the surface of the water and it felt slimy. It was relaxing at first when the music and bird noises were playing, but after ten minutes it was silent and it was just me and my thoughts.

I had been doing some mediation for about 4 weeks at the boxing studio so I tried to focus on the breathing techniques that I had learnt while eagerly awaiting the moment when I would pass into a deeper state of consciousness. But nothing came. What did come however was difficult heavy breathing and through thick claustrophobic air. I am not a big rapt for saunas for this very reason; I like to breathe fresh air that can fill my lungs to the brim, rather than make my chest tight. The next 20 minutes or so were a battle between trying to relax and sucking as much oxygen from each breath. Nightmare!

At the 35-minute mark I was ready to get out, but when I reached for the handle to opened the lid of the pod all the salt water dripped back into my eyes. Double Nightmare! I got out of there, eyes stinging, chest hurting and raced to the shower. That was probably the best part of the whole experience. I decided to get back in but I refused to float. I just sat there in the slimy salt water contemplating why anyone would spend $100 to sit in this torture chamber.

My girlfriend afterwards told me that she loved the experience, but I think it is fair to say that next year I’ll be getting a couple’s massage for her birthday instead.